Since I Told You It Was Over
by TracesOfTrueLove
Summary: Based on the song of the same title by Stereophonics. Brendan say's his last goodbyes in a form of a letter. Hints at suicide, don't read if sensitive. Hinted M/M.


Steven,

I can hear the rain beating down against the window, the wind howling, it's cries of anger. The world isn't happy, and neither am I. I can't believe what I did to you. I can't believe the angst and pain I have cause you, the lies I have fed you. I didn't stop to think about how I was hurting you. I thought of only me, myself and I; no one else, not you or Cheryl. I was selfish, I can only hope you know I have never meant to make you cry. I never meant to make you bleed, I just didn't know how to stop myself, I was so damn scared.

I need you to know something, I couldn't live with myself if I never got around to it. Every single time I hit you, I upset you, or I rejected you, I hated it. I didn't want to say, _do_, those things to you, I just didn't know how else to act. If I could take it back, I would. You know I would. When I think back on all the wrong things I have done to you, I wanna just burn up and die. If you were to just take a look at me now, you would see that I hate myself. Ever since I told you it's over for the last time, there is nothing I want more than to have you back in my arms, to be able to apologise, to take it all back, everything.

I can see it, you know. You are not as good of an actor as you think you are, I can see right through your Noah facade. I have left a big hole in your heart. You fell for me so badly, almost as much as I fell for you. But you shouldn't have done, I am wrong for you, _bad_ for you. I am going to search so hard, to find that rare four leaf clover. Maybe that would bring us some luck, some hope. You can't tell me that you are never gonna get over me, because you will. There are better people than me out for you, there is someone perfect for you out there, and you will forget me. But I promise you one thing, I will never forget you.

You have already moved on to better things. You have found that crossing in your life, where you have to make that right turn, thankfully you have taken the turn that I can just about bear. You are just enjoying life. You are out drinking every night, you have no need for hope or care, you are young, free. You just do as you please, see whatever makes you smile, as long as you are happy. You are never around for long, you move to a new place too quickly. You do what you have to do to move along with your life, the rest comes second. In a way, I guess I respect you for that. You are leaving your old scars behind, as memories best forgotten.

I only wish I could do the same, but the truth is without you; I am lost. I don't know what to do with myself. And I feel so cold and alone, like I have no one. It is all my fault, I have pushed everyone away. Now I am just getting old, whilst you stay young. My mind is twisted with all the lies I have told, now I am no longer sure what the truth is. I am past the point of trying to care, I am giving up. I've been down too long, just waiting around, for you to come running back to me, like you usually did. But not this time, this time you have learnt your lesson, staying away, that is probably best for you.

Everything I have done, I have finally lost. I have fallen from where I had set myself in the sky, and landed on my own two feet. I realise I should of let you in, I should of told you what I was thinking, what I was feeling, but I didn't. I left you out, to drown. I was too ignorant to see that you only wanted to help me, and instead I only made both of our lives worse. I never meant for that to happen.

I look around myself and I can't help but stare sometimes. Everyone has moved on, got their own lives. I hear laughter, I see love everywhere. Yet when I look in a mirror, I see nothing but emptiness and hate. Every now and again, I think back to the days we were together. I hope you know that I care. That day, I walked away, I was trying to do the right thing. I was trying to treat you right for once, treat you how you deserve. You deserve a life without me, and that was what I was trying to give you. I hope you know, my intentions that day, were never to leave you heartbroken, only heartbreak for myself. But I was wrong, you were on the right track, it was me who kept turning back. I should of just changed, let you in, not leave you freezing outside.

I can see you sitting with Noah and the rest of the lads. You all looks so happy, and your table is being from far the loudest, it is annoying. I would of chucked you out hours ago, if it wasn't for the fact that it is _you_. You can see me writing this, you can see these stupid, darned tears rolling down my face. You keep glancing over to me, with an unnecessary concern. I am no longer your problem to worry about. That doesn't matter though, you won't come over to me anymore. You don't want to risk losing everything anymore, just for me, when you know I will just let you down again.

It is ironic, how you always wanted for me to show my emotions, but I never could. Now I am saying goodbye, all my emotions are pouring out of me. I hate being this vulnerable, showing this side to you. I hate that you are sitting just the other side of the room to me, but I can't touch you, you are not mine. So, this is the end of the line for me. Don't miss me, I am not worth it. I was wrong to you, and I am sorry. Move on with your life, and live it happily. I hope life treats you kind. Make sure Noah, or whoever you may end up with gives you what you deserve. Make sure they can do what I never could: love you. I am so sorry Steven, just remember that I always loved you, even if I never showed it, and I still do. Goodbye loved one, I am forever yours, even is you were never mine.

Signed with a teardrop, just how you like it,

Brendan.


End file.
